You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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