just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
