I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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