I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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