my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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