Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
