he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
