It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize