there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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