the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
