So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
