Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
