Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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