Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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