i think my mom watched the whole time
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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