For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
