I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
