I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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