those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
