Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
