i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
