It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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