it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize