The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
