Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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