i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
