If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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