You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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