who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize