the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
