My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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