I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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