I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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