bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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