So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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