I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
