Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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