i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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