Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You can't special order awesome
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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