i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
