let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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