Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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