i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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