FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize