God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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