so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
