gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
