i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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