why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
