It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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