I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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