Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
