So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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