I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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