I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
