It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
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