There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
40s are totally the cure
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sorry about my life...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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