Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
