why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize