You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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