I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
