moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
