I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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