I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
3 2 1 whiskey
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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